Dear ER, Kiss Off!
Note: I did not intend for my blog to be one long rant. I wanted to write about the slug on the rug and other things that I thought were amusing. Unfortunately, people keep pissing me off. So, now I must rant once more, but hopefully tomorrow people will leave me alone to contemplate the more mundane aspects of life.
Is it not enough that we pack up and move every few years? Is it not enough that we must continually introduce our children to new doctors, new dentists, and new schools, not to mention a parade of new friends? Is it not enough that we have to abandon any hope of a career because we will never be anywhere long enough to build one? Is it not enough that our spouses’ business trips take them away for up to a year or more to dangerous places where many of the people they meet want to kill them? Apparently, it is not. Apparently, according to the producers and writers and actors of ER, we must also be portrayed as judgmental, mushy-brained, foot soldiers for Bush. I am speaking, for those of you lucky enough not to know, of the latest episode of ER, where a doctor/military spouse arrives at a military spouse meeting to be belittled for, among other things, having a career, questioning the war in Iraq, and not bringing homemade cookies to the get together.
I have never really thought of myself as the typical military wife. Many military wives were military brats themselves, married young, and had their children soon after. I married my husband when I was 26, having been in the workforce for several years, and stayed on in the workforce for the first 5 years of our marriage. We didn’t have kids until we were in our 30s. We lived off post and socialized with our neighbors and family, and basically I only went onto post on the occasional Friday when I was picking up my husband en route to the beach or some other vacation spot. I didn’t know much about the military aside from what I learned from my time as a defense contractor. When we moved to Kentucky and then on to Virginia, we lived on post and thus became a little more integrated into the military life, but I am still puzzled by the acronyms that some of the other wives toss around at the bus stop. I hope to skate through these last few years before my husband retires without having to learn all of the ins and outs of the military culture. But even as a comparative outsider to the world of military wives, I must object to the portrayal provided by ER.
First and foremost, any group of women (and token man), such as the one portrayed as a military spouse group on ER, is going to have a wide range of opinions on everything. Some women in every random group you gather are going to think that an unblinking devotion to the Commander in Chief is patriotic, and anything less than that is not. Some women in every group are going to have serious reservations about the war in Iraq and what our soldiers are subjected to there. Any group of women will have a few opinionated shrews who will attempt to talk over everyone to convince the room they are right and to refuse to allow other opinions to be heard. Any group of women will have a few self-confident souls who will attempt to moderate a heated discussion that develops when someone takes on one of the opinionated shrews. Oh wait, I mean any group of women except the one gathered on ER last night.
Most military spouses that I have met have a few characteristics that do not depend on her/his position on the ideological spectrum. First, they show support for the men and women whose spouses are deployed. When my husband deployed recently, every other spouse who heard the news greeted me with the same response “If there is anything you need while he is away, please call me.” No one asked me why I didn’t have a big yellow ribbon magnet on my car. Second, they are not generally rude at meetings. Sometimes a group comes together and every one becomes friends, but sometimes the meetings are just that – meetings where you learn information about what is going on the battalion or whatever, and then you leave. Either way, people are polite to each other because they know that they have not joined a cult, but were instead thrown together by circumstance. Third, they are not shocked by the news that spouses have jobs. When I learn that a fellow spouse is lucky enough to have a job, I feel a bit jealous of them, wishing I had chosen a career that was more transportable. Fourth, they don’t sneer at another spouse because she was late to a meeting or didn’t bring “homemade” food. Among my non military friends there are the ones who are always late and the ones who can’t cook – why wouldn’t these people exist among my military friends?
What it comes down to, I guess, is that the spouses and families of soldiers who are deployed or have been deployed before are some of the few people in America who are in touch with the actual war. Every day I can imagine the thoughts that would run through my husband’s head if a bomb went off under his vehicle. I don’t know when or if he could return to normal if he has to kill someone. Not because he is fearful or unprepared, but because he is a person, and a war is not a normal place for a person to be. I know how much he misses me and the kids, how strange it must be to live in a third world country, how being a member of the military can cause so much frustration when you are unable to question some of the things you are told to do. Every day I wonder what I would possibly tell my kids if something happened to their dad. I don’t know when or if they could return to normal. All of this uncertainty is stressful for me and for all spouses, but we can’t wallow in the sadness or anxiety, because life keeps moving on and we are trying to keep things straight at home. But I guess all of this would be too much nuance or background to include in a 60 second bashing like the one on ER last night. Isn’t ER a show about a hospital? Why exactly did they need to take time out to give such a crappy portrayal of military spouses? Why should we be a target? What harm exactly are we causing people? I am not looking for applause or admiration, but I also didn’t think I needed to on guard against an attack from a pretend hospital show.
What burns me most is that some of the people watching that episode will just take it at face value and assume that the Stepfordesque behavior of the spouses on that show are a true representation of the spouses in my neighborhood. I have been forced by my own disgust to write this defense of the military spouse, when that is such a small part of what I consider my identity. I know spouses who are in love with the military and their husband’s career, but even they would not have behaved the way the women did on ER. I don’t watch any shows about the military, mainly because they are so fake that they would not actually reveal anything about the military (hello - JAG?). But from the few bits of television and movies that I have seen, military wives have their personalities removed when they walk down the aisle. We are either submissive, empty-headed trophies or scheming, social-climbing ice queens. Actually, most of us are not any of these things, and I really didn’t think that I would ever feel like I needed to put that on the record.
As for you ER, I’m sure you thought that was a pretty clever 60 seconds, setting up who knows what plot twists for the earnest put-upon doctor. I can only now imagine how many other one-sided portrayals you have put out there that I have just accepted because I had no other information. I’m sure you have scorched countless other groups in pursuit of the story over your long run, and I have sat on my couch and just accepted what you said. Well, I can’t any more. I’m sorry I won’t find out what happens next to all of your characters because I thought this was a pretty good season. I don’t really have a lot of shows that I watch, and with my husband gone, I have plenty of time to watch TV. However, I can’t imagine that you will be doing a follow up show to correct your military spouse smear, and I can’t forgive you, so now I must break up with you.
Is it not enough that we pack up and move every few years? Is it not enough that we must continually introduce our children to new doctors, new dentists, and new schools, not to mention a parade of new friends? Is it not enough that we have to abandon any hope of a career because we will never be anywhere long enough to build one? Is it not enough that our spouses’ business trips take them away for up to a year or more to dangerous places where many of the people they meet want to kill them? Apparently, it is not. Apparently, according to the producers and writers and actors of ER, we must also be portrayed as judgmental, mushy-brained, foot soldiers for Bush. I am speaking, for those of you lucky enough not to know, of the latest episode of ER, where a doctor/military spouse arrives at a military spouse meeting to be belittled for, among other things, having a career, questioning the war in Iraq, and not bringing homemade cookies to the get together.
I have never really thought of myself as the typical military wife. Many military wives were military brats themselves, married young, and had their children soon after. I married my husband when I was 26, having been in the workforce for several years, and stayed on in the workforce for the first 5 years of our marriage. We didn’t have kids until we were in our 30s. We lived off post and socialized with our neighbors and family, and basically I only went onto post on the occasional Friday when I was picking up my husband en route to the beach or some other vacation spot. I didn’t know much about the military aside from what I learned from my time as a defense contractor. When we moved to Kentucky and then on to Virginia, we lived on post and thus became a little more integrated into the military life, but I am still puzzled by the acronyms that some of the other wives toss around at the bus stop. I hope to skate through these last few years before my husband retires without having to learn all of the ins and outs of the military culture. But even as a comparative outsider to the world of military wives, I must object to the portrayal provided by ER.
First and foremost, any group of women (and token man), such as the one portrayed as a military spouse group on ER, is going to have a wide range of opinions on everything. Some women in every random group you gather are going to think that an unblinking devotion to the Commander in Chief is patriotic, and anything less than that is not. Some women in every group are going to have serious reservations about the war in Iraq and what our soldiers are subjected to there. Any group of women will have a few opinionated shrews who will attempt to talk over everyone to convince the room they are right and to refuse to allow other opinions to be heard. Any group of women will have a few self-confident souls who will attempt to moderate a heated discussion that develops when someone takes on one of the opinionated shrews. Oh wait, I mean any group of women except the one gathered on ER last night.
Most military spouses that I have met have a few characteristics that do not depend on her/his position on the ideological spectrum. First, they show support for the men and women whose spouses are deployed. When my husband deployed recently, every other spouse who heard the news greeted me with the same response “If there is anything you need while he is away, please call me.” No one asked me why I didn’t have a big yellow ribbon magnet on my car. Second, they are not generally rude at meetings. Sometimes a group comes together and every one becomes friends, but sometimes the meetings are just that – meetings where you learn information about what is going on the battalion or whatever, and then you leave. Either way, people are polite to each other because they know that they have not joined a cult, but were instead thrown together by circumstance. Third, they are not shocked by the news that spouses have jobs. When I learn that a fellow spouse is lucky enough to have a job, I feel a bit jealous of them, wishing I had chosen a career that was more transportable. Fourth, they don’t sneer at another spouse because she was late to a meeting or didn’t bring “homemade” food. Among my non military friends there are the ones who are always late and the ones who can’t cook – why wouldn’t these people exist among my military friends?
What it comes down to, I guess, is that the spouses and families of soldiers who are deployed or have been deployed before are some of the few people in America who are in touch with the actual war. Every day I can imagine the thoughts that would run through my husband’s head if a bomb went off under his vehicle. I don’t know when or if he could return to normal if he has to kill someone. Not because he is fearful or unprepared, but because he is a person, and a war is not a normal place for a person to be. I know how much he misses me and the kids, how strange it must be to live in a third world country, how being a member of the military can cause so much frustration when you are unable to question some of the things you are told to do. Every day I wonder what I would possibly tell my kids if something happened to their dad. I don’t know when or if they could return to normal. All of this uncertainty is stressful for me and for all spouses, but we can’t wallow in the sadness or anxiety, because life keeps moving on and we are trying to keep things straight at home. But I guess all of this would be too much nuance or background to include in a 60 second bashing like the one on ER last night. Isn’t ER a show about a hospital? Why exactly did they need to take time out to give such a crappy portrayal of military spouses? Why should we be a target? What harm exactly are we causing people? I am not looking for applause or admiration, but I also didn’t think I needed to on guard against an attack from a pretend hospital show.
What burns me most is that some of the people watching that episode will just take it at face value and assume that the Stepfordesque behavior of the spouses on that show are a true representation of the spouses in my neighborhood. I have been forced by my own disgust to write this defense of the military spouse, when that is such a small part of what I consider my identity. I know spouses who are in love with the military and their husband’s career, but even they would not have behaved the way the women did on ER. I don’t watch any shows about the military, mainly because they are so fake that they would not actually reveal anything about the military (hello - JAG?). But from the few bits of television and movies that I have seen, military wives have their personalities removed when they walk down the aisle. We are either submissive, empty-headed trophies or scheming, social-climbing ice queens. Actually, most of us are not any of these things, and I really didn’t think that I would ever feel like I needed to put that on the record.
As for you ER, I’m sure you thought that was a pretty clever 60 seconds, setting up who knows what plot twists for the earnest put-upon doctor. I can only now imagine how many other one-sided portrayals you have put out there that I have just accepted because I had no other information. I’m sure you have scorched countless other groups in pursuit of the story over your long run, and I have sat on my couch and just accepted what you said. Well, I can’t any more. I’m sorry I won’t find out what happens next to all of your characters because I thought this was a pretty good season. I don’t really have a lot of shows that I watch, and with my husband gone, I have plenty of time to watch TV. However, I can’t imagine that you will be doing a follow up show to correct your military spouse smear, and I can’t forgive you, so now I must break up with you.
posted by Shannon at 11:33 PM
1 Comments:
And also? ER hates babies.
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