Hey Immigrants! Come Here and Share Our Values!
Want to hear something really, really funny? Are you sitting down? I’m sorry, I keep chuckling to myself which makes it hard to type. Are you sure you’re ready? Guess what? I have avoided writing about politics in this blog because I don’t have enough time to get my facts straight! I know! Can you believe it! What in the world was I thinking? Politics and facts don’t go together!!! So even though I haven't had time to provide citations for all of the examples I put here (unlike yesterday's fascinating and informative porcupine post), I still feel compelled to provide this public service to prospective Americans:
Dear Immigrants (Illegal and Otherwise),
Today our president made a speech indicating that if you would like to join our country, first you must learn our values. Before I go on any further, I would say to all of you who came here to have your gay marriage recognized, please return to your country of origin. Gay marriage is not one of our values. Similarly, if you have left your home and family to come here and burn flags, once again I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Flag burning is not one of our values.
What’s that? You came here in search of a better life for you and your children? To work any job you can to make money to send home to your families? That is rather quaint, but I’m sorry, you are too late. Those are no longer American values either. Since I am not philosophically opposed to immigration (and as such am bordering on the un-American myself), I have decided to provide you with a primer on what constitute American values these days, so that you can adopt them and maybe win a chance to spend money and stand in line for a chance to get a chance to take a test and possibly become an American citizen. Ready?
1) Here in America, we value our rich people, so please bring as much money as you can. Since many of you (who do not have a lot of money) have indicated your willingness to work at unpleasant jobs for unpleasantly low pay in order to increase the wealth of your employers, I think we can consider you well on your way to adopting this value. If you do somehow end up with a lot of money, we will cut your taxes so that you can have more money. If any pesky environmental laws are keeping you from making even more money, you can help us rewrite them. After all, we’re not going to live forever, and who really cares what happens when we’re gone. I mean, we care that the wealthiest people can give their money untaxed to their heirs, but besides that, who really gives a crap what goes on when we’re down for our dirt nap?
2) Here in America, we value our institutions, exactly the way they are. If you would like to become an American, then you must view all evidence of ineptitude and incompetence by our government agencies as one big misunderstanding. Do not call for investigations or changes or expect anyone to accept responsibility. Instead agree to continue funding these agencies even when they refuse to change as suggested by independent commissions. For instance, if you live in a town that was destroyed by a crappy Corps of Engineers project, the American way is to throw more money at them to do another project while providing no additional oversight. If you decide live in Washington, DC or New York City, you can peruse reams of data about why you are a likely terrorist target, but we like to spread our homeland security money around the country, and the facts are not going to change the way we do things.
3) Here in America, we value our Christians. I know most of you from coming up from the south are probably Catholic, and while that is okay, we’d really prefer some sort of protestant affiliation, preferably one where the women submit to the men and let the men make all of the decisions. If you are from one of those newfangled religions that doesn’t revolve around the ten commandments, I’m sorry, but you’re not going to find many friends here. While you may be concerned about the poor, or sick, or disenfranchised, I’m afraid they are going to have to wait until we have rid the earth of gay marriage.
4) Here in America, we value big mouths (as long as they are speaking English). You may have expertise in one aspect of business or science and you may be well educated. However, that doesn’t mean we will listen to you. What you need to succeed here is an extremely loud voice and your own TV show. If you do not have your own TV or radio show, your opinion really doesn’t need to be expressed or acknowledged. So please either be an opinionated intolerant blowhard or keep your mouth shut.
5) Here in America, we value our freedom of speech, as long as you are saying things that we want to hear. Please don’t think that freedom of speech means you are free to say anything you would like. You cannot shout “Fire!” in a movie theater and you cannot criticize the current administration. If you choose to object to anything that is going on in Washington, that is your right, but it is also a clear indication that you are not ready for citizenship or even guest worker status. We have recently upped the indecency fines for television, because everyone knows that getting flashed during a Super Bowl halftime show is much worse than say, the Vice President calling a U.S. Senator a f?#$%?@ a&%*@#$.
6) Here in America, we value our soldiers, kind of. We have decided that treating detainees humanely and observing the Geneva Convention isn’t one of our values anymore, and this may adversely affect how our soldiers are treated. However, as they are having their fingernails pulled out, they can rest assured that all of us will have a yellow ribbon magnet on the back of our cars saying we support them. As long as they are not killed in action, we will support their families on the homefront, but if they are killed, I’m afraid we’re going to need that house back pronto. And the kiddies, I’m sure someone out there will give them some counseling, but that is really outside of our area of responsibility. Oh, that little mixup where the identities and personal information of millions of soldiers was lost/stolen? Please refer to value #2.
Here are a few other things we value, so please do not complain about them: domestic spying; secret CIA prisons or airplanes; the idea that when the National Guard gets home from the Iraqi desert they should deploy to our desert; the destruction of our worldwide reputation as the land of the free and the home of the brave.
So good luck to you all. I hope these little pointers will help you in your quest to adopt American values which are so different from the values of your home countries. Sorry folks, no more eating your young, no more 60-day cocaine-fueled benders, no more neighborhood wife-swapping night. This is America, and it’s time to do things our way.
Love, Shannon
Dear Immigrants (Illegal and Otherwise),
Today our president made a speech indicating that if you would like to join our country, first you must learn our values. Before I go on any further, I would say to all of you who came here to have your gay marriage recognized, please return to your country of origin. Gay marriage is not one of our values. Similarly, if you have left your home and family to come here and burn flags, once again I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Flag burning is not one of our values.
What’s that? You came here in search of a better life for you and your children? To work any job you can to make money to send home to your families? That is rather quaint, but I’m sorry, you are too late. Those are no longer American values either. Since I am not philosophically opposed to immigration (and as such am bordering on the un-American myself), I have decided to provide you with a primer on what constitute American values these days, so that you can adopt them and maybe win a chance to spend money and stand in line for a chance to get a chance to take a test and possibly become an American citizen. Ready?
1) Here in America, we value our rich people, so please bring as much money as you can. Since many of you (who do not have a lot of money) have indicated your willingness to work at unpleasant jobs for unpleasantly low pay in order to increase the wealth of your employers, I think we can consider you well on your way to adopting this value. If you do somehow end up with a lot of money, we will cut your taxes so that you can have more money. If any pesky environmental laws are keeping you from making even more money, you can help us rewrite them. After all, we’re not going to live forever, and who really cares what happens when we’re gone. I mean, we care that the wealthiest people can give their money untaxed to their heirs, but besides that, who really gives a crap what goes on when we’re down for our dirt nap?
2) Here in America, we value our institutions, exactly the way they are. If you would like to become an American, then you must view all evidence of ineptitude and incompetence by our government agencies as one big misunderstanding. Do not call for investigations or changes or expect anyone to accept responsibility. Instead agree to continue funding these agencies even when they refuse to change as suggested by independent commissions. For instance, if you live in a town that was destroyed by a crappy Corps of Engineers project, the American way is to throw more money at them to do another project while providing no additional oversight. If you decide live in Washington, DC or New York City, you can peruse reams of data about why you are a likely terrorist target, but we like to spread our homeland security money around the country, and the facts are not going to change the way we do things.
3) Here in America, we value our Christians. I know most of you from coming up from the south are probably Catholic, and while that is okay, we’d really prefer some sort of protestant affiliation, preferably one where the women submit to the men and let the men make all of the decisions. If you are from one of those newfangled religions that doesn’t revolve around the ten commandments, I’m sorry, but you’re not going to find many friends here. While you may be concerned about the poor, or sick, or disenfranchised, I’m afraid they are going to have to wait until we have rid the earth of gay marriage.
4) Here in America, we value big mouths (as long as they are speaking English). You may have expertise in one aspect of business or science and you may be well educated. However, that doesn’t mean we will listen to you. What you need to succeed here is an extremely loud voice and your own TV show. If you do not have your own TV or radio show, your opinion really doesn’t need to be expressed or acknowledged. So please either be an opinionated intolerant blowhard or keep your mouth shut.
5) Here in America, we value our freedom of speech, as long as you are saying things that we want to hear. Please don’t think that freedom of speech means you are free to say anything you would like. You cannot shout “Fire!” in a movie theater and you cannot criticize the current administration. If you choose to object to anything that is going on in Washington, that is your right, but it is also a clear indication that you are not ready for citizenship or even guest worker status. We have recently upped the indecency fines for television, because everyone knows that getting flashed during a Super Bowl halftime show is much worse than say, the Vice President calling a U.S. Senator a f?#$%?@ a&%*@#$.
6) Here in America, we value our soldiers, kind of. We have decided that treating detainees humanely and observing the Geneva Convention isn’t one of our values anymore, and this may adversely affect how our soldiers are treated. However, as they are having their fingernails pulled out, they can rest assured that all of us will have a yellow ribbon magnet on the back of our cars saying we support them. As long as they are not killed in action, we will support their families on the homefront, but if they are killed, I’m afraid we’re going to need that house back pronto. And the kiddies, I’m sure someone out there will give them some counseling, but that is really outside of our area of responsibility. Oh, that little mixup where the identities and personal information of millions of soldiers was lost/stolen? Please refer to value #2.
Here are a few other things we value, so please do not complain about them: domestic spying; secret CIA prisons or airplanes; the idea that when the National Guard gets home from the Iraqi desert they should deploy to our desert; the destruction of our worldwide reputation as the land of the free and the home of the brave.
So good luck to you all. I hope these little pointers will help you in your quest to adopt American values which are so different from the values of your home countries. Sorry folks, no more eating your young, no more 60-day cocaine-fueled benders, no more neighborhood wife-swapping night. This is America, and it’s time to do things our way.
Love, Shannon
posted by Shannon at 10:31 PM
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